We were almost on top

We feel lost but we are almost there. Can’t go back against the road, the ground breaks on our own steps, there is no way to go except forward.

Why feel trapped when the road is huge and the windows are all open ?

Don’t have any chance to meet another living soul on the way to the top, everyone is walking alone on their own mountain, swimming in their own ocean. The space is limitless but you won’t see far away, just light the few meters that are ahead of you. I feel you are with me but you also have to walk on your own so if i fall i won’t bring you down with me, i can’t bear the responsibility of being the one that will make you stop on your way to the top. I walk slowly but i have strength. I don’t run, i let that to others. I need time and opportunity to look at the view. Each at their own rhythm, feeling what your abilities are and making the best out of it. Sometimes i just sit and think of the best way to make it, but you have to be careful not to think too much and feel paralyse on all the options that present itself to your view. Walking alone mean that i don’t benefit from the view of others, ideas and propositions to use a shortcut or to choose a different and more suitable road. You don’t need to know that you are almost at the top to stop and enjoy all the steps you already climbed. Only you can feel all the energy you have left to make it and get the rest to achieve the goal. But which goal, sometimes, the goal is not the top of the mountain, it can just be the walk itself.

And suddenly, for no particular reason you feel it’s the good time to start running, no thinking, just putting your feet one in front of another at a pretty fast rhythm because you can and you feel like it. So run you’ll have time to rest, trust me, plenty of time. And you’ll regret not running. So don’t overthink it. trust yourself and your instinct. You’ll rarely feel as powerful as on this sudden frenzy. Cause you know that even if it’s not a race, damn you’re winning.

What’s the point of reaching the top ?

When you’ll get there you’ll soon enough see the other mountain that just appeared. But see that’s exactly the point, you know that this mountain is not the only one you’ll have to climb. Feel blessed for this one or you’ll feel bored for every single step you make. Don’t envy the walking dead for they have no mountain to climb and no real need except the one to feed on you.

Your food is the walk itself, not the hunger for new things. You’re not hungry because you know that from now on, you’ll never feel the need to eat anymore. When you walk you know it feeds you every second of it. You are not walking towards a certain kind of treat, it is the treat. Of course you’ll fall and break but this will show you how much stronger you are than what you thought you’ll be. It’s your own job to see that and make it happen. The more you move forward, the less you’ll know and the better you’ll feel about not knowing and not wanting to get it all and understand. Because the point is there is nothing to understand or to get from it all except the precise action of walking towards this emptiness that will feed you and fulfill all you need. Fight your way to the top looking in front of you and no thinking of what everything looks like on top of it all.

You want to be remembered as the one who tried to climb every possible mountain or obstacle that showed on your way, not for getting there because you’ll be alone. trying to reach every possible living soul. Cause the best reward is your ability to impact and reach your hand to all the others trying to make it to the top as you did, maybe at a different high, not yours, but always higher, that’s for sure. When it hurts it will mean you are on the right road cause you’ll produce only sweat and from this sweat and blood is the greatness that’s coming out in the open for everyone to witness. Or you’ll feel that way but soon also realize that also with breathing and being is the right thing to do and to rush out of you. Just being and make is all you need to get it all out of your system. And when it’s out it’s good because you’ll be the only one to produce such energy , neither you want it or not, it’s your blessing and your curse. Even if it feels like nothing, it’s all you need and the ones next to you need from you to get the best of it.

We were almost on top and we could see down. We wanted to reach the sky and ask for everything, so nobody could tell us what to do.

We knew everything was left to do, that even if we were high, there was some things to loose, that the ground was not that far away and that we could get really hurt, real bad.

It was not a reason to stop, even if we felt like shit, if we wanted to look at the view, look down on what we already achieved. Just sit and relax, say to yourself you may not be at the top, but there is a hell of a lot of people standing under you and who just wish to be at your place.

You just hope to have enough strength to continue, to keep going without asking too much question about life, and how long you need to keep walking

But we are almost on top. We were and we still are. Maybe because you just should never want to reach the top, because after that there is nowhere to go, except to jump and crash down.

La panthère Noire

C’est le problème, quand ça va mal, tu peut être sur de sentir que la bête rode. Il y a une odeur remarquable, une présence certaine du monstre. Elle est là, pas de doute, le noir monte.

Une clope peut faire cet effet, souffler toute la noirceur que tu possède et la contenir dans ta gorge, dans tes poumons pour la souffler sur ta propre face dans la forme d’un fauve.

Le mieux c’est d’essayer d’embrasser ce mal, de respirer cette fumée. Cours vers la bête et ne cours pas comme un con pour tenter de fuir, elle te rattrapera pour sûr. N’essaye pas de l’éviter à tout prix, à coup de joint, de pilules et d’alcool pour essayer de la contenir, crois moi, ce sera pire, ça va lui donner faim. Alors encaisse, accepte qu’elle te bouffe un peu, qu’elle morde dans ta chair et te laisse quelques cicatrices, c’est à celles-ci qu’elle reconnaîtra que tu sais encaisser. Gagne son respect en prenant sur toi pour souffrir de la façon la plus normale, pleinement, face à la bête, dos au mur.

Y a pas d'échappatoire à la douleur, juste du temps gagné à coup de pilules, des petites minutes où l’on grappille sur le vide, on s’engage plus profond dans la grotte sans savoir qu’il n’y a pas d’issue. La bête noire, elle, avance doucement, pleine, d’émotions et d'obscurité, mais pleine. Je préfère ce plein de noirceur qu’un immense vide de rien.

Alors tu fais comment ? Pour le moment tu sondes le vide, la taille du monstre, regarde sa profondeur, jusqu’où tu peux te laisser bouffer et explorer les limites de son appétit pour ton noir épais.

ça va vraiment mal, mais je commence à gérer et à la connaître cette noirceur, à vivre avec et à ne pas essayer de la dompter comme une bête sauvage, dressée pour divertir les autres, spectacle quotidien. Non, juste marcher avec, l’observer et la décrire. Noter précisément son comportement, sa manière de se déplacer, son regard qui me transperce le bide. Je l’ai crée alors autant la connaître. Je suis immobile, je prends des notes et j’observe comment la bête se déplace, son comportement. Je la laisse à l’état brut, sauvage. Cette noirceur brille dans son élément, en moi, ne la caresse pas, ce n’est pas ton clebs c’est un animal dangereux et sublime, il vivra longtemps à condition de ne pas le tuer.

C’est ce que certains cherchent à faire, mettre fin au règne animal pour prendre le contrôle sur cette nature sauvage et obscure. Tuer le règne de l’animal. Ils consultent, prennent tous les jours la pilule qui va euthanasie gentiment ce beau monstre. Et alors ils deviennent des petites bêtes innocentes et insouciantes, sachant que le loup ne rode plus, l’esprit en paix à paître tranquille.


Ils ne savent pas ce qu’ils brisent, cet équilibre naturel. La jungle sublime qui rayonne à l’intérieur, un équilibre précaire, un chaos magnifique. La loi de la jungle, leur jungle.

C’est tout une chaîne qu’ils mettent en péril, car sans danger, ils viennent de se mettre en cage, à l'abri dans un zoo. Ils refusent la vie sauvage, leur état naturel, pour se rassurer dans un environnement qui n’est pas le leur, à l’abri de la bête ou complètement débarrassé de tout danger.


Mais moi je préfère vivre sans barbelé pour protéger mon troupeau, être au grand air et savoir consciemment que la bête rôde, sentir sa présence et lui faire savoir que je n’ai pas peur, que je la connaît. Elle se nourrit de ma peur et de mes angoisses, elle est cette angoisse. Alors je la regarde dans les yeux, je partage un même territoire et parfois je la laisse rentrer dans ma zone.

Mais comme c’est bon de savoir que je vis avec ce monstre, que je n’ai pas peur de lui mais s’il me rend misérable. Je suis entier. elle n’a pas eu ma peau.